Bushisms and Other Ridiculous Ideas

Philadelphia Inquirer 06/16/2006 Specter presses Bush in executive-power fight
By Laurie Kellman, Associated Press

"Specter also wants to examine the statements Bush issues when he signs bills into law, in which the president enumerates how he will interpret them.

"'There's a whole litany of questions that the attorney general is going to have to answer,' Specter said this week. 'We're going to press him as hard as we can.'"

Since Specter will likely not require that the attorney general be sworn in (as he has previously), Gonzalez likely won't answer directly or truthfully (as he has previously), no matter whether he is pressed, steamed, or dry-cleaned.

Philadelphia Inquirer 06/23/2006 Specter spars with Cheney on warrantless searches
By Steve Goldstein, Inquirer Washington Bureau

"In his June 7 letter, Specter wrote that Cheney had not sought him out at the weekly GOP policy luncheon at the Capitol, which the vice president usually attends.Might that change at the next opportunity?

"'Somebody brings Cheney's lunch,' Specter said. 'I've never seen him at the buffet.'

"Asked whether Cheney had a 'taster' to screen his food, the senator said: 'Well, in that group, he certainly ought to.'"

At least he has a sense of humor.

Philadelphia Inquirer 06/26/2006 Agreement on spy plan is close, says Specter
Associated Press

"Bush and senior officials in his administration have said they do not think changes are needed to empower the National Security Agency to eavesdrop - without court approval - on communications between people in the United States and overseas when terrorism is suspected.

"But Specter, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, and other critics contend the program skirted a 1978 law that required the government to get approval from a secret federal court before Americans could be monitored.

"'We're getting close with the discussions with the White House, I think, to having the wiretapping issue submitted to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court,' Specter said on Fox News Sunday."

So we reskirt it by rewriting the law and back dating it.

AOL News - (AP) Bush Ignores Laws He Signs, Vexing Congress
President Has Issued 750 Statements That He May Revise or Disregard Measures
By Laurie Kellman, AP 06.27.2006 12:55 PM EDT
(also published as: Bush Ignores Laws He Inks, Vexing Congress - Forbes.com 06.27.2006, 02:25 PM)

"...according to the White House. A law is not binding when a president issues a separate statement saying he reserves the right to revise, interpret or disregard it on national security and constitutional grounds.

"That's the argument a Bush administration official is expected to make Tuesday before the Senate Judiciary Committee, chaired by Arlen Specter, R-Pa., who has demanded a hearing on a practice he considers an example of the administration's abuse of power."

Arlen Specter demanding a hearing is like Lil' Debbie inviting you over for tea and pound cake. Put your napkin in your lap. He always crumbles.

With Incumbent Republican Senator Rick Santorum 18% behind in the polls in Pennsylvania, one of the six seats needed to flip control to Democrats in the Senate in November, Specter could be butted from Chairman of Judiciary committee to ranking minority member. He may have to resign from S.P.E.C.T.R.E., and become a Spectre.

"Specter isn't sure how much Congress can do to check the practice. 'We may figure out a way to tie it to the confirmation process or budgetary matters,' he said."

Now that sounds like the Spooky ol' Spineless Sphincter we're used to.

JR Ford
UP (Unsubstantiated Press)
St. Petersburg, Fl.
sixtimeseven@aol.com
forty-two

“This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.” -- Will Rogers.

# posted by jr ford @ 6/27/2006 03:38:00 PM 0 comments

The Greatest Show on Earth

Sorry. This Official White House list still has "Ol' Yeller's" name on the money.

"One can only wonder how long moderate Republicans will tolerate Larry Fine and the Howard brothers riding their elephant at the head of the circus parade. Nyuck nyuck!"
-- JR Ford, Jul 2005.

JR Ford
UP (Unsubstantiated Press)
11 June 2006
-------------------------------------------
Mike Johanns
Secretary of Agriculture

He also led eight delegations of Nebraska government, business, and agriculture leaders on trade missions to foreign countries including Japan, Taiwan, China, Hong Kong, Australia, Korea, Singapore, Malaysia, Brazil and Chile.

In case you were wondering where your jobs and surplus harvest dollars have been going for the past few years.

Carlos Gutierrez
Secretary of Commerce

Secretary Gutierrez was sworn into office on February 7, 2005. Born in Havana, Cuba in 1953, he came to the United States with his family in 1960. In 1975 he joined Kellogg as a sales representative. Rising to president and chief executive officer in 1999, he was the youngest CEO in the company's nearly 100-year history. In April 2000, he was named chairman of the board of Kellogg Company.
Secretary Gutierrez studied business administration at the Monterrey Institute of Technology in Queretaro, Mexico. He and his wife, Edilia, have three children, Carlos, Erika 2and Karina.

As of this writing, at least, there is no evidence readily available that this man is an American Citizen, Amigos.

Donald Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense

Donald H. Rumsfeld was sworn in as the 21st Secretary of Defense on January 20, 2001. Before assuming his present post, the former Navy pilot had also served as the 13th Secretary of Defense, White House Chief of Staff, U.S. Ambassador to NATO, U.S. Congressman and chief executive officer of two Fortune 500 companies (and was a Member of the Board of Kellogg).

In 1977, Mr. Rumsfeld was awarded the nation's highest civilian award, the Presidential Medal of Freedom...

...for reasons, as yet, undetermined after several hours with Google, Vivismo, Aardvark Burrow, and others. Walter Annenberg got one, too; but he created TV Guide.

The list goes on... http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/usa/donald-rumsfeld/.

As a result of the openings created by Rumsfeld's diplomatic triumphs, U.S. companies were recruited and encouraged, both covertly and overtly, to ship poisonous chemicals and biological agents to Iraq, by the administrations of both Reagan and George Bush, Sr. Care packages to Saddam included sample strains of anthrax and bubonic plague, and components which would be used to develop nerve poisons like sarin gas and ricin.

Margaret Spellings
Secretary of Education

As the mother of two daughters, one school-age and one college-age, Spellings has a special understanding of the issues facing parents and students today. Her daughter Mary is a freshman in college, and her daughter Grace attends a public middle school. Spellings is the first mother of school children to serve as U.S. Secretary of Education.

Isn't that special? and redundant?

This is eighth grade English at best. And exactly how many fathers of school children have served as US Secretary of Education?

Samuel W. Bodman
Secretary of Energy

In 1987, he joined Cabot Corporation, a Boston-based Fortune 300 company with global business activities in specialty chemicals and materials, where he served as Chairman, CEO, and a Director. Over the years, he has been a Director of many other publicly owned corporations.
Secretary Bodman has also been active in public service. He is a former Director of M.I.T.'s School of Engineering Practice and a former member of the M.I.T. Commission on Education. He also served as a member of the Executive and Investment Committees at M.I.T., a member of the American Academy of Arts & Sciences, and a Trustee of the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum and the New England Aquarium.

While searching the web, the first hit for Bodman on Vivismo was: http://www.climatescience.gov/Library/bios/bodman.htmLibrary/bios/bodman.htm, a site which seems to have copied his biography verbatim from the WH official site. Without any research, my guess is that ClimateScience.gov is another taxpayer-funded shill for the energy industry. Cli Sci is probably paying for those oil-companies-don't-really-suck subliminal ads that are floating like flotsam upon the broadcast airwaves of late.

However I did find this:

Who is Sam Bodman? http://www.fromthewilderness.com/free/ww3/121704_sam_bodman.shtml
Bodman's nomination was awash in rhetoric about how he will help guide the US to energy independence. However, it is unlikely given his background, that Sam Bodman really believes the US can achieve this impossible goal. His appointment is intended merely to reassure the market. Sam Bodman will likely remain a low profile figure, proclaiming the glories of a hydrogen economy while secretly pushing nuclear, coal, and drilling of protected areas within the US. And, meanwhile, Dick Cheney will remain firmly in control of energy policy.

Kind of reminds me of watching Edgar Bergen cutting up with Charley McCarthy on one knee and Mortimer Snerd snoozing on the other.

Michael Leavitt
Secretary of Health & Human Services

Born February 11, 1951, in Cedar City, Utah, Leavitt graduated with a bachelor's degree in economics and business from Southern Utah University. He served as president and chief executive officer of a regional insurance firm, establishing it as one of the top insurance brokers in America. He is married to Jacalyn S. Leavitt; they are the parents of five children.

I was not always an ascerbic, Sunbelt, libertarian liberal. At one point I briefly became interested in attending Southern Utah University (known, when I visited in 1972--and likely when Leavitt graduated--as Southern Utah State College, now known as Southern Utah University), in Cedar City, Utah. At that time Cedar City had a population, not counting students and cows, of around 5,000. The town is in lonely southwestern Utah, in the Cedar Valley, nestled abruptly upon the western slope of Lone Tree Mountain, Big Hill, and the steep and sheer Hurricane Cliffs of Dixie National Park, (although I could find no evidence that Utah has ever suffered a hurricane while inhabited by white people).

I say abruptly because, although it did tend to grow lighter between 7:00AM and 8:00 AM, the Sun did not actually shine directly on the town until around to 9 o'clock--in the Springtime. There was one main street with a diner that stayed open until 9:00 PM except on Sundays, and they served beer. There were two, small liquor retailers, one at each end of the main street; several dozen yards separated them from the next closest buildings. They both closed at 6:00 PM, and were not open on Sunday at all. The classiest motel in town was the TraveLodge, the one with the cute little bear wearing a nightshirt and stocking cap and carrying a candle. The entire building was made of white painted cinderblocks, inside and out.

Other than Cedar City, enormous ranges of dynamic scenery, and cows, southwestern Utah only has only one other aesthetic attraction. It is host to the highest number of families per capita living in polygamous marriages in the US. You may have heard the FBI is seeking to corral some of these people. I think they call themselves Christians.

Michael Leavitt was born in Cedar City, Utah. Likely, he never left before he was 24 years old to begin his challenging career leading to becoming a regional insurance tycoon. As George Burns once said, "I spent a year in that town, one Sunday." This man is the Cabinet Secretary who, in March of this year--in light of the potential for an outbreak of avian flu in the US--suggested to the American public and the world that we should avoid eating poultry and "stockpile cans of tuna under our beds."

It's a good thing tuna comes in those little cans. I can stack them inside the rolls and rolls of duct tape I've been hoarding!

I immediately fired off an email pointing out that he should have warned about engaging in unprotected coitus with barnyard fowl, as well. Got a very nice thank you in reply.

Shortly thereafter, as if prophesied by Warren Jeffs himself, the CDC announced alarming warnings about the unhealthy levels of Mercury (as there have been for forty years or more) in canned tuna, Albacore and White. NPR : Study Raises New Concerns About Mercury in Tuna - 6 June 2006 Pregnant women are cautioned to avoid tuna altogether, and those planning pregnancy should limit consumption to one, six-ounce can per week.

The following week, the EPA announced that, due to overfishing, tuna is nearing the level of extinction.

Talk about your Chicken of the Sea? Poor Charlie!

Michael Chertoff
Secretary of Homeland Security

On February 15, 2005, Judge Michael Chertoff was sworn in as the second Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. Chertoff formerly served as United States Circuit Judge for the Third Circuit Court of Appeals.
Secretary Chertoff was previously confirmed by the Senate to serve in the Bush Administration as Assistant Attorney General for the Criminal Division at the Department of Justice. As Assistant Attorney General, he helped trace the 9/11 terrorist attacks to the al-Qaida network, and worked to increase information sharing within the FBI and with state and local officials.

The break in the case came when Chertoff keenly detected identical Made in Afghanistan UPC bar codes on both packages of cardboard cutters found amongst the WTC wreckage and on the VHS tape of Osama bin-Laden making Harpo Marx, gooky faces at George Bush in effigy.

Every time this man utters rhetoric or policy through his nasal twang, I expect shrill, maniacal giggling and an episode of Tales from the Crypt to follow. I still have a hard time keeping him and Lugosi straight. Chertoff was the tall one with the bolts in his neck, right?

Alphonso Jackson
Secretary of Housing & Urban Development

Immediately preceding his appointment at HUD, Jackson served as President of American Electric Power-TEXAS, a $13 billion utility company located in Austin, Texas.

Alphonso Jackson may be the one member of the Bush Cabinet who does not have beady eyes. His curriculum vitae reads like his lifelong goal was to become HUD Secretary ever since he could bean a cockroach with a claw hammer. The above stated experience proves he is intimately acquainted with the issues facing those for whom affordable housing is a hefty challenge: hefty security deposits to utility monopolies.

Dirk Kempthorne
Secretary of the Interior

Prior to his confirmation as Secretary, Kempthorne served nearly two terms as Governor of Idaho, elected first in 1998 and reelected in 2002.
As Governor, Kempthorne worked to develop consensus on management of Idaho's and the West's natural resources. He worked with his colleagues in Oregon, Washington and Montana to develop an historic bipartisan agreement on a state-based solution for returning salmon runs in the region. Following the devastating wildfires of 2000, he worked with fellow western governors and federal officials to fundamentally change the approach to forest health and wildfire management. Under his leadership, Idaho developed wolf and grizzly bear management plans aimed at delisting the endangered species and giving the State of Idaho management responsibilities.
Dirk Kempthorne began his commitment to public service as the highly successful Mayor of the City of Boise (1985-1992). During his seven years in office, he helped direct a renaissance in the state's capital city that resulted in record growth, economic development and numerous national honors and recognitions for quality of life, business climate and family issues.
Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge appointed him to the Homeland Security Task Force.

According to English-speaking sources, never in either of his two gubernatorial election campaigns did Kempthorne invoke the names Randy Weaver or William Luther Pierce; and he only wore white once. Personally, I would omit Tom Ridge from any future resume'.

Alberto Gonzales
Attorney General

In his initial remarks to Department of Justice employees, Attorney General Gonzales reminded them of their mission and noted they have "a special obligation to protect America against future acts of terrorism. We will continue to make that our top priority while remaining consistent with our values and legal obligations. That will be the lodestar that guides us in our efforts at the Department."

Authorization of torture for prisoners of war; Abu-Gharib; secret CIA prisons that operate in defiance of the Geneva convention located on the soil of former US enemies; warrentless NSA wiretaps; coersion of telecoms to datamine domestic phone calls; and a little known, private, American resort in Eastern Cuba, where charges and checkout time (and date) are unspecified.

This man is so contra-judicial it is like appointing Hannibal Lecter to be Postmaster General, with a free hand over policy, employee conduct, and concealed weapons. This brazenly fumble-mouthed failure is the poster child for the Anti-Affirmative Action contingent.

Elaine L. Chao
Secretary of Labor

When President George W. Bush nominated Elaine L. Chao, the first Asian-American woman appointed to a President's cabinet in U.S. history, he described her as an individual with "strong executive talent, compassion, and commitment to helping people build better lives."
Secretary Chao's compassionate nature stems from her own background as an immigrant to this country at the age of eight. Her family's experience transitioning to a new country, supported by one another and the kindness of friends and neighbors, taught her that encouragement is the key to fostering independence, and that Americans are naturally compassionate people. This inspired her to dedicate most of her professional life to ensuring that people have the opportunity to pursue lives of dignity and financial independence.
As Director of the Peace Corps, she was one of the first Americans to personally embrace the people of the former communist bloc into the family of democratic nations, establishing Peace Corps programs in the Baltic nations of Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia and the newly independent states of the former Soviet Union. Later, as President and Chief Executive Officer of United Way of America, she restored public trust and confidence after the organization was tarnished by mismanagement and financial abuse, thus preserving the nation's largest institution of private charitable giving.

Secretary Chao's compassionate nature and background as an immigrant also enabled her to stand alongside Homeland Security Secretary, Michael Chertoff when Chertoff called for the end of 'catch and release' (10/18/05), stating the new policy was "to completely eliminate the 'catch and release' enforcement problem, and return every single illegal entrant--no exceptions."

This realistic and cost effective proposal comes from an administration which--after almost five years--still cannot find a six foot, four inch, 50-year-old, gray-haired A-rab on dialysis, who walks with a limp and tucks his beard into his gun belt; who remains at large and is operating a video recording studio from the Flintstones old neighborhood. A remarkably ambitious prelude to the looming probability that by the year 2040 the most common surnames in the US will no longer be Smith, Jones, and Brown; rather Wong, Nguyen, and Kim (not necessarily in that order), and not Gonzales, Martinez, or Montoya.

As former Director of the Peace Corps, she was easily able to explain to our former adversaries the intricate subtleties of the United States' use of mercenaries, field commandoes, and intelligence gatherers to masquerade as diplomatic personnel, agricultural advisors, and Air America pilots and crews who were trafficking drugs, guns and ammunition, cash, and tactical military information through towns and villages that were hosting Peace Corps volunteers throughout southeast Asia during the Viet Nam conflict.

Condoleezza Rice
Secretary of State

Born November 14, 1954 in Birmingham, Alabama...

This statement may be the only one on the web page we can be relatively certain of. The rest of her list of whistle stops suggest one of two things to me. 1) Either someone is lying and she did not do all of the things the WH says she did, because if you add up all the time she would have had to devote, no one could have done all those things in one lifetime; or, 2) She did do all of those things, just none of them long enough to do any one of them very well.

It reminds me of the tale of the talking dog for sale. Email me; I'll share it.

Secretary Rice, in my humble observation, has had as much or more face time with cameras, pundits, and reporters than any member of the administration save the Ringmaster. Yet, I have never, ever, heard her say (and repeat thrice) anything but catch phrases, buzzwords, and passive-agressive punitives in the mode of a pious, scolding nun. Not once have I heard or read a statement by Dr. Rice that has ever caught me and made me stop and think, "that woman has a head on her shoulders." Even Dubyah has!

I think the rest of the world is just too damned polite or intimidated to say so for fear of getting their knuckles rapped with a ruler. Madam Secretary could not succinctly define the difference between a queef and a fart if the paper bag she was fighting her way out of was on fire, and the kittens had already drowned.

Norman Y. Mineta
Secretary of Transportation

"Transportation is key to generating and enabling economic growth, determining the patterns of that growth, and determining the competitiveness of our businesses in the world economy," said Secretary Mineta. "Transportation is thus key to both our economic success and to our quality of life."
The U.S. transportation system includes 3.9 million miles of public roads and 2 million miles of oil and natural gas pipelines. There are networks consisting of 120,000 miles of major railroads, more than 25,000 miles of commercially navigable waterways and more than 5,000 public-use airports. The transportation system also includes more than 500 major urban public transit operators and more than 300 ports on the coasts, Great Lakes and inland waterways.

Which is why our transportation infrastructure is still largely being funded by enormous gasoline and other consumer fuel taxes despite retail prices having doubled since Bush took office. Meanwhile, fat cats who commute in helicopters and live in 12 bathroom homes get fat tax breaks to refine less gasoline, build more gas & go's, and pay illegal aliens half as much to stand in bulletproof booths selling lotto tickets, making change, and guarding the restroom keys.

John W. Snow
Secretary of the Treasury

Snow was Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of CSX Corporation, where he successfully guided the transportation company though a period of tremendous change. During Snow's twenty years at CSX, he led the Corporation to refocus on its core railroad business, dramatically reduce injuries and train accidents, and improve its financial performance.

Better be wakin' up dem gandy dancers dere, Casey Jones!

Ol' Yeller--our intrepid engineer--he's gone an' twisted the pressure valve clean off'n it's stem at full steam an' done lept off'n the locomotive back at da the last curve. Jes' soon as Ol' Mission Accomplished, Halliburpin, & Rumpty-Dumpty gets theysevvs untangled from them cheering throngs of open arms they was greeted with in Iraq, this Highballer to Hell is gonna derail at Wall Street Pass fer sher, and take down 1,000 points of light with it--or more.

Jim Nicholson
Secretary of Veterans Affairs

As Secretary of Veterans Affairs, Mr. Nicholson is the principal advocate for veterans in the U.S. government, ensuring that they receive the care, support, recognition and dignity they deserve for their service to our country. He also directs the Department of Veterans Affairs, the federal government’s second largest Cabinet Department, responsible for a nationwide system of health care services, benefits programs, and national cemeteries for America’s veterans and dependents...

That lost CD? You know, the one with the 26 million veterans' and 2 million active duty personnel’s names and personal records?

It's not lost. It's misunderfiled--between Debbie does Dallas and Dubyah does DC.


From the Big Top,
JR Ford
UP (Unsubstantiated Press)
St. Petersburg, Fl.
sixtimeseven@aol.com
forty-two
11 June 2006

"It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." -- Douglas Adams.

# posted by jr ford @ 6/19/2006 01:45:00 PM 0 comments

Last night I had a dream where I was walking down a city street in a crummy part of town, when who should come gallumping around the far corner on the same sidewalk as me, none other than the princess. Wearing that, "why can't I get a date with Matt Lauer?" fire-engine red ensemble from the clearance rack at Target lazily draped toga-ish over her shoulder pads and trainer-A-cups, she lumbers toward me with over-animated, Shelly Duval/Olive Oyl giant steps.

So stunned am I by the Paris Hilton (or should that be Amsterdam?) whiplash of her hair, and the "ohmygawd!" roll-back-into-their-prefrontal-sockets-until-only-the-redness-of-her-eyes-shows glance of hers, that my stride falters and I have to lean on one hand against a "No Parking in Driveway" sign post to catch my breath. With those vaulting pole legs launching her four feet closer to me with every second, she reminds me of a strawberry freezer pop on stilts.

Suddenly from the left, a garage door between us crashes open with Bruce Willis, looking like the final scene from Die Hard Whatever--only older--behind the wheel of a beat up Chevy Astro. He jumps from the moving mini-van and rolls once on the sidewalk towards her, leaps to his bare bloodied feet, strikes a firing pose, and empties his automatic pistol into her face.
She flattens out and lies there on the concrete, face--or something like it--up, in a puddle of blood.

Foolishly, I start towards the action packed assailant. Drawing closer I holler in disbelief, "She's dead!"

He holsters his weapon under his arm, takes a broken filter cigarette from a crumpled pack of Brand X, and lights a match. After two puffs and a smoke ring, he ambles away towards the Astro, turns, winks at me wryly, and smirks: "She needed killin.'"

Yippeekayea.

I may never drink Kool Aide out of a tall glass again.

In hopes of emotional and mental redemption, since I am presumed gawdless, and by the power vested in me by the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, I do hereby nominate Ann Coulter to be either: the Grand Poohbah, Imperial Dragon, Field Marshall, General, President for Life, Dr. Idi Amin Da Da of the Loyal Order of Lavatory Loiterers (LOLL*); or else Mayor of Detroit.

Is there a second?


JR Ford
UP (Unsubstantiated Press)
St. Petersburg, Fl.
sixtimeseven@aol.com
forty-two

*LOL Lasciviously

"Some people are like Slinkies--not really good for anything, but they still put a grin on your face when you topple them down a flight of stairs." -- Unknown.

Once again yesterday, the White House magician, Karl "The Fox" Rove, pulled another rabbit out of the hat, putting the Confounder-in-Chief's feet on the ground in Baghdad long enough for some fancy footage on FUX News. The Iraqi Prime Minister got five minutes warning of the surprise inspection. Fortunately, the dime bounced on his bunk.

Damn I wish Pat Fitzgerald had snared that sly fox!

Oh, well. Maybe he'll contract lapine lockjaw, or smack a fabled tar baby.
:

42
"I believe in the brotherhood of all men, but I don't believe in wasting brotherhood on anyone who doesn't want to practice it with me. Brotherhood is a two-way street." -- Malcolm X.