19 October 2006
Exclusive Interview with VP Richard B. Cheney by the UP (Unsubstantiated Press)
UP: Welcome, Mr. Vice President.
Dick: Dick. Call me Dick.
UP: Ok, Dick.
Dick: I am, you know.
UP: So I've heard.
Dick: It's an attitude thing.
UP: Dick, it's been said that you are a pretty uptight fellow, like you've got a broomstick up your ass.
Dick: I categorically deny that!
UP: I suspected you might.
Dick: Of course. I'm a twenty-first century guy.
UP: How's that?
Dick: It's a Swiffer.
UP: Dick, what can you tell us about the sex scandal in Congress involving Mark Foley?
Dick: That dumb cocksucker. Not much really. I do know that he's a speed reader.
UP: Is that right?
Dick: Two pages at a time.
UP: You know there are some serious allegations about he and some others that could hurt the Republican party, and Foley could go to jail.
Dick: I've anticipated that.
UP: So you're saying you have a political counter strategy formulated?
Dick: No. I sent him a case of Softsoap.
UP: Good thinking. Turning to the War of Terror, is there any news of the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden?
Dick: We're not sure at the moment, but the CIA says he's been sighted touring with ZZ Top.
UP: So he's on the run?
Dick: He's got legs.
UP: Let me ask you about Halliburton. You were CEO until you became vice president. Can you explain the billions in no-bid contracts, the 50 lawsuits alleging fraud and other malfeasance, and the fact that Halliburton's stock value is now seven times greater than before we invaded Iraq? A lot of Americans feel like they're getting screwed.
Dick: I always use a condom.
UP: Would you call that: "Safe Sodomy," Dick?
Dick: Bet'cher ass.
UP: What about Saddam Hussein? There is evidence to suggest that you and others supplied him with chemical weapons back in the eighties, but it is unclear how he reimbursed the US.
Dick: Umm, well. His mustache tickles.
UP: I can imagine it would.
Dick: Kinda wiry.
UP: And North Korea? Supposedly Don Rumsfeld sat on the board of directors of a company that sold them nuclear technology during the nineties.
Dick: Let me think back to my future recollection about it. I'm pretty sure that transaction was handled by one Dr. Emmet Brown. As I remember it, what we delivered were some old Whirlpool parts and a used DeLorean.
UP: With a flux capacitor?
Dick: No. We substituted a pair of dingo balls.
UP: Tell me about the administration's relationship with the religious right.
Dick: Nuts!
UP: Excuse me?
Dick: I said, "nuts." I knew you were going to ask me that.
UP: Jerry Falwell, for example?
Dick: He doesn't.
UP: I beg your pardon?
Dick: Fall well. I pushed him down the chapel steps one time. The weenie broke his nose. He doesn't.
UP: Fall well?
Dick: Nope.
UP: Oh. What about Pat Robertson and his 700 club?
Dick: There's over a million members. All Republicans, you know. 700 is their collective IQ.
UP: I didn't know that.
Dick: Wasn't always called the 700 club. Dubyah was reborn 20 years ago and joined the club. That's when they changed it.
UP: What was it called before?
Dick: The 666 club. For all you right-brained liberals out there, the answer is 34.
UP: Speaking of the President, what is your sincere opinion of him?
Dick: George Dubyah is a great and powerful leader, almost like a Greek hero. Why even his mother says he's the product of a Trojan casualty.
UP: Amazing.
Dick: He's so amazing he could be the Wizard of Oz.
UP: He could?
Dick: If he only had a brain.
UP: Tell me about Condaleeza Rice.
Dick: Wonderful woman; comes from a fine family. I went to school with her Uncle Ben.
UP: Hmm.. Condaleeza is a unique name. Do you know the origin?
Dick: It's French. She also has two sisters, both with French names.
UP: Which are?
Dick: Vageena and Douchey.
UP: Really?
Dick: Got a brother too. He's a rap singer; pretty slick.
UP: What's his name?
Dick: K.Y.
UP: I'll look for him on CD. Let's turn to the immigration problem. Where do you stand?
Dick: Ronald Reagan, our other greatest President, summed it up brilliantly when he said: "Mexicans are more aptly suited to agricultural work because they are built close to the ground."
UP: No. He didn't really say that, did he?
Dick: Would I jerk you off?
UP: Uhh... I dunno.
Dick: You're the one stroking me, jockstrap.
UP: Since you brought it up, I notice your head seems swollen. How'd that happen?
Dick: Ahh. That lying, limp-dick Libby slammed it in the tailgate of my Taurus.
UP: OW! That sucks. I hear Libby is facing 30 years for perjury.
Dick: I anticipated that, also.
UP: Sent him hand soap in a pump bottle, too?
Dick: Nope. Lava, a whole truckload.
UP: Ouch! You didn't?
Dick: Yep. Really blew a wad on it.
UP: Now that you mention it, what's that odd looking stain on your necktie?
Dick: It's Clinton's fault!
UP: Dick, that's outrageous. It can't be true.
Dick: What do I look like? Some fat chick in a blue dress? Go fuck yourself!
JR Ford
UP (Unsubstantiated Press)
St. Petersburg, Fl.
sixtimeseven@aol.com
fortytwo
"Remember: 'Dick Cheney' is a complete sentence
